Last night, I dreamed that I was at school, and I heard gunfire. Terrified, I began to run, only to see that I was running straight for the attackers-- people I recognize, and am friends with. I start to run to my car, and I see that they're in there, waiting for me. I am, apparently, the target. I find a hidden compartment in the library, but am ultimately caught again. Somehow, I make another grand escape, managing to get myself all the way to the Santa Cruz beach. Ultimately, they catch up with me, and, tearfully, I demand to know what I did to deserve this. Hatefully, they reply...
"You sleep in too much."
What. The. Fuck.
- Music:Of Montreal- It's Easy to Sleep When You're Dead
So now I might not have a date for Senior Ball this Saturday, because he has work, or some shit like that.
The guy I like was supposed to come over the other night, and we were going to watch the Truman Show. We never got around to it, so I IMed him, asking if he'd like to do it tonight. He replies...
The Boy (8:19:11 PM): rofl wow you have the worst timing. im going to somones house cuz shes leaving tonight. and we were gonna talk about "something"
itsuckstobeme528 (8:19:14 PM): ohhhh
itsuckstobeme528 (8:19:22 PM): lol, you're right, i do have the worst timing.
itsuckstobeme528 (8:19:27 PM): well. good luck.
Just shoot me now. It's more dignified.
- Music:The Arcade Fire- Wake Up
Off to Boston and New York in 19 and a half hours for choir tour. Returning Monday night. :)
I think I might have forgotten to do my Enterpreneur project for Econ.
I can't bring myself to give a flying fuck.
- Music:The Coraline Soundtrack
There is $26.27 in my checking account at this very moment.
Today is March 19.
We leave on a red eye to New York/Boston on April 1, in 13 days.
My dad is not likely to pay me the $350 he owes me within that time frame.
I will not be able to afford to eat on choir tour.
(In other news, go to www.twilightthemusical.com
(In other other news, I'm on twitter! Follow me at http://twitter.com/commafan
Mock Trial is amazing. For the first time in fifteen years, we took Cal all the way to the Consolation Final (the competition in which the two teams who lost in the semi-finals compete for third place). We kicked ass, to be blunt.
Also, four scoring judges told me afterward that I should really consider going into law (an idea that I've already been entertaining). Another told me I was the best attorney of the night. FUCK. YEAH. I. WAS.
At dinner, my mom told me that I seem happier. I think I might be, frankly. I mean, why shouldn't I be? Through insane, counterintuitive methods, I've managed to lose nearly three pounds in one week. Because of my ass-nasty inhaler, I can run without feeling like I may die. My grades are excellent. I have a big part in the school play. I have a better social life than I usually do. You know. All is good.
But I think my mom jinxed it, because I came home and wound up playing my N64 (by myself) until two in the morning. And, of course, when I have this much time to myself to think, my mind always wanders until I nearly criticize myself to tears about the things that aren't perfect (like, as always, the relationship front). I did that for five hours. This was my Saturday night. I am gripped with an overwhelming sense of melencholy. I blame my mother.
In other news, just when I had succeeded in ending my fixation with a boy who does not like me back, I have managed to swivel my focus onto another. Lovely.
- Music:Jon Brion- Little Person
I think I'm probably doomed to be alone.
This was not a hopeless prophecy of the future, or some passing, miserable idea. I have thought this through, and all signs seem to point to "alone forever." Here is why.
I weigh far too much, for starters, and do not have a pretty enough face to get away with it. Like it or not, society has a certain standard of beauty that I simply do not measure up to (if you'll pardon the pun). Even guys who insist that they look beyond that are lying. It will always be there, consciously or subconsciously.
Furthermore, my personality is unbelievably grating. I accept that. Even close friends find me annoying most of the time. This is why I don't have a lot of close friends. I am very loud and talkative and strange, and therefore difficult to like being around. Also, I get bored very quickly, which means if I do find myself in a relationship with someone, unless it stays new! and exciting!, I am likely to become tired of it soon after it begins.
Thirdly, I am spineless and gutless, and therefore will NEVER in a frillion years ask out a guy I like, because I assume they will reject me, and then I have ruined a friendship.
Lastly, I am in no way interested in the guys that are typically interested in me. The only guys that have been interested in me (save for one notable exception, M) are not up to the standards that I've set for myself after years of brainwashing from Disney movies.
For the aforementioned reasons, I think it is clear that I am probably going to wind up dying alone in an apartment, and they will only find my body weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs, when the neighbors complain of the smell.
I hear wild animals go for the tongue first.
- Music:Katy Perry- Black and Gold